Narcissism vs. “Just a Jerk”

Lately, the term “narcissist” seems to get thrown around a lot. Your ex is being difficult—so does that automatically mean they’re a narcissist? Or are they just being a jerk? Maybe they’re neurodivergent, maybe they’re just emotionally immature. How do you know the difference? And why does it even matter?

Dr. Ramani, a well-known expert in narcissism, teaches that narcissists are not difficult people or jerks, they are disordered people. There’s no cure for it, and waiting for them to change is like waiting for rain in the desert—it will never come.”

Why It Matters in Divorce

A true narcissist is a different breed, especially during a divorce. I want to understand the difference between bad behaviour and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and I can’t afford to wait for them to get a diagnosis because this happens almost never. Therefore I want to understand this personality so I can help my clients be protected.

The personality of someone with NPD will do what it can to destroy you, their mission from day one was to take from you and deplete you. You are not seen as an individual you are seen as their resource.

The problem is that once they see you as the “other”—the person who has ‘turned’ on them—they shift into attack mode. Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions. They deflect, project, and blame you for everything. And once you’re seen as the enemy, it becomes their mission to take you down.

Divorce with a narcissist is not just difficult, it’s exhausting. They see the world in black and white, and you’re firmly placed in the “bad” category. They will change the narrative, deny reality, and turn everything on its head. If they’re in pain, you’re to blame. If anything goes wrong, it’s your fault. There’s no reasoning or negotiation—just warfare.

On the other hand, if your ex is neurodivergent, they might still be difficult, but their intentions come from a different place. They may lack empathy or be self-absorbed, but they’re not necessarily trying to destroy you. Their behavior might come from rigidity or emotional dysregulation, rather than the calculated malice that narcissists often exhibit.

The Client Story: Learning to Pause

One of my clients, we’ll call her Emily, went through this exact struggle. At first, she was overwhelmed by her ex’s behaviour, unsure if he was just a difficult person or something more. But as time went on, she learned to stop reacting to his every whim. Her ex—a textbook narcissist—would constantly change his story, deny things he’d previously agreed to, and flip-flop between wanting to reconcile and wanting to “win.”

Emily’s “Type A” corporate mindset had initially driven her to fight back and push for a resolution. But after working together, she realized that her ex’s behaviour had nothing to do with negotiating in good faith. No amount of legal back-and-forth would move the needle. He was never going to agree to a fair settlement because the goal wasn’t resolution—it was control.

Her lawyer had no reason to advise her otherwise, but Emily learned that by continuing the fight, she was playing right into his hands. The endless back-and-forth was costing her thousands in legal fees, time, and emotional energy. So, she made a bold decision: she paused the legal proceedings entirely. She took a step back, stopped letting him dictate her emotional well-being, and decided to focus on herself instead.

Emily started spending time with family, reconnecting with friends, and healing. She stopped being drained by his constant manipulation, and for the first time in a long while, she felt in control of her own life. It wasn’t about winning anymore—it was about not losing herself.

How to Ethically Move the Needle

Whether your ex is a narcissist, neurodivergent, or just plain difficult, the approach to divorce must be strategic. Narcissists thrive on chaos and will exhaust you if you let them. They’re slippery, always changing the goalposts. They will deny, flip-flop, and keep you on edge. The key is to recognize their behaviour patterns and stop engaging in their game.

If your ex is neurodivergent, the approach shifts slightly. Their behaviour may stem from emotional dysregulation or difficulty understanding your perspective, but they’re not actively trying to destroy you. Understanding this difference allows you to engage with them more productively, without expecting the same level of manipulation as you might from a narcissist.

In either case, the goal is to ethically move the needle—finding ways to protect yourself while navigating the divorce process. This might mean pausing proceedings to regain your strength, setting firm boundaries, or seeking the right legal advice. But the key is to not let them be in control of your emotions or your life.

Final Thoughts

Narcissism is a heavy label, and it’s important not to misuse it. But in divorce, understanding whether your ex is a narcissist or just difficult can significantly affect how you approach the process. Whether they’re trying to control you through manipulation or simply navigating their own emotional struggles, it’s crucial to prioritize your well-being. Remember: it’s not about winning or losing—it’s about surviving and thriving.

Just like Emily, you can regain control, pause the chaos, and focus on healing. The journey may be tough, but with the right mindset and support, you’ll come out the other side stronger than ever.