Finding Freedom and Self-Worth: A Client’s Story
From Suppression to Liberation
I was only 20 when we married. I was so young and unprepared for the realities of this marriage. Looking back, it feels like he never really left his mother’s house, merely transferring his dependency from her to me. For 22 long years, he drifted from job to job, never finding his footing. I was often the sole provider, shouldering the responsibilities of our home and children, while he lounged on the couch, more engaged in his phone than in our family. Finding freedom and self-worth was the last thing on my mind, I thought this was just the life I had and I tried to make the best of it.
It’s embarrassing to admit, but I made countless excuses for why he couldn’t find steady work, always hoping he’d eventually step up. When he decided to go back to school, I thought it was a turning point. But instead of studying, I ended up writing his papers and doing his assignments, hoping it would help him get his life together – I was so naive and desparate
One memory stands out: the day he blew his paycheck on a new gaming system while I struggled to keep up with the bills. He had only been back to work less than a month. I was so angry, and he was so cold and unapologetic – he felt so entitled. He always came first. I began looking forward to him just getting high and passing out, this at least allowed the kids and I to have a peaceful evening, as he never lifted a finger around the house anyway. I prepared dinner, cleaned and took care of the kids this was just how it was in our house.
The Wake-Up Call
As a strong Christian, I believed in the sanctity of marriage and took my vows seriously. I convinced myself that making the best of the situation was my duty. Our home revolved entirely around him—if the children made too much noise or got in his way, they were yelled at and sent to their rooms. If I didn’t perform my “wifely duties” on demand, he would shame me, reminding me of my marital obligations. He often made me feel ugly and that nobody else would ever want me. One night, when I was heavily medicated due to a chronic illness, I woke up to find him forcing himself on me. I was so conditioned to serve him that I didn’t even recognize it as abuse at the time. What was I to do?
Despite everything, I kept trying to make the marriage work. But things took a darker turn when he unapologetically started going on dating apps. I remember finding his profile on a site, complete with photos of him that I had taken, and reading the lies he’d told other women about how he was “stuck in a loveless marriage.” Shortly after that, he packed his bags and left, abandoning me and our four children.
It was only after he left that I began to heal, though I didn’t realize how much healing I needed. For over a year, just the thought of him sent me into panic attacks. I’d be folding laundry or cooking dinner, and suddenly his voice would echo in my mind, mocking me, calling me names, making me feel ugly and worthless. I didn’t know how to move on. I felt lost, terrified, and utterly alone.
The Journey to Self-Discovery
But slowly, something began to change. For the first time in over two decades, I started to focus on myself. I enrolled in a yoga class, something I’d always wanted to do but never had time for. I started taking long walks in the park, enjoying the peace and quiet that I hadn’t known in years. Slowly but surely, I began to find myself again. I started gaining self-confidence, and for the first time, I walked through my home feeling free, no longer constrained by his presence or his expectations.
This past year has been both easier and harder than I could have ever imagined. Easier, because I’m no longer living under his thumb, and harder, because I’m learning how to live for myself, not for him. It’s incredibly difficult—I often catch myself feeling uncomfortable when I start to feel good. It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, but every day, I’m learning to feel better and better about myself.
The greatest gift has been the distance I now have from him. I’ll never forget the day I had to see him again, just over a week ago. We were in the same room, and he tried to taunt me, his old smirk on his face. But something had changed. My back was to him, and I didn’t flinch. I didn’t shake. I didn’t panic. I was okay. For the first time in as long as I can remember, he no longer scared me.
New Beginnings
By the way, I’m dating again. The first two men I went out with turned out to be flops, but the guy I’m seeing now is absolutely lovely. He loves cooking for me (can you imagine?); what a refreshing. yet still uncomfortable, welcomed change. I feel respected, cared for, and genuinely excited to be exploring what a healthy relationship looks like. I’m looking forward to continuing my growth in self-awareness and navigating relationships in a whole new way.
Since separating, however, he has successfully turned one of our daughters against me. He regularly flips the truth, feeding her half-truths that create intentional animosity and hurt. Negotiating with him has been a nightmare—it’s always his way or the highway. I’ve learned how to respond to his messages and how to process his hurtful attacks without letting them consume me. Despite the pain of the estrangement, I’ve found a sense of peace. There are small signs, little moments with my daughter, that give me hope we might one day be on good terms again.
Looking Forward
I’ve been off work for many years due to complex PTSD, but I’m finally preparing to return in a couple of months. I used to think my PTSD was caused by workplace stress, but now I see how much of it stemmed from my marriage and how it played out in every aspect of my life. I feel like a woman again, not just a shadow of who I used to be, and I’m so incredibly proud of myself. Every day, I’m reclaiming my life, piece by piece, and I know that I’m going to be okay.
Help and Support
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in Ontario or anywhere in Canada, it’s important to seek help immediately. You are not alone, and there are resources available to support you. In Ontario, you can contact the Assaulted Women’s Helpline at 1-866-863-0511 for 24/7 crisis support. Across Canada, the Canadian Women’s Foundation offers resources and guidance through its website. If you are in immediate danger, please call 911 or your local emergency number. For anonymous support, you can also reach out to the Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868, available 24/7 to all ages.
About the Author
Bonnie Duarte is a dedicated Therapeutic Divorce Coach and Author, specializing in guiding individuals through the complex and often emotionally charged process of divorce. With a profound understanding of the challenges that come with high-conflict separations, Bonnie combines her expertise in therapeutic divorce coaching with a compassionate, client-centred approach. Drawing on her extensive experience and training in narcissistic abuse and trauma-informed therapy, she empowers her clients to navigate their divorce journey with resilience and clarity. Learn more about Bonnie and the services she provides here.