Narcissistic Abuse: Holding on to False Hope
The Weight of Unresolved Emotions
“I hate that I still love him. I hate that I can’t move on. I hate that he affects me so much. Is this normal?” Jessica’s voice trembled with frustration and sadness during one of our sessions. She wasn’t just grappling with the end of a relationship—she was confronting the toxic aftermath of narcissistic abuse, while she desperately hoped for a different outcome.
Trapped in a web of self-blame and confusion, Jessica found herself in a situation similar to nearly 70% of my clients. She vividly remembered the good times—not the grand gestures, but instead just the small moments, the moments when life felt less overwhelming. When reminiscing those days, she thought perhaps they were happy together. It’s hard to believe she is here now, with a heart so broken that it feels like it’s been torn out of her chest.
Trapped in a Web of Self-Blame
As she sat across from me she sobbed saying, “I should have done more. I could have changed. I still love him, despite everything he’s done.” Tortured by these thoughts, she convinced herself that she had somehow failed and wasn’t enough. Struggling to see the truth, Jessica couldn’t recognize that her ex wasn’t the person he pretended to be, nor the man she desperately wished he was. Despite all the evidence, she clung to the hope that he could change.
Jessica’s story, heartbreakingly common, reveals the cruel nature of false hope. She saw glimpses of potential and believed he could be a great partner, even a great parent. Since she had witnessed this potential before, she held on to hope—hope that he would change, that he would become the man she fell in love with. Even after everything, she believed he was good or at least wanted to be.
Unbeknownst to Jessica, this hope wasn’t her ally; it was her enemy. Acting as a poison, it trapped her in a cycle of pain and despair.
When Hope Becomes Poisonous
On the surface, hope seems like a positive force. We’re taught to cherish it, often linking it to good mental health. Common wisdom tells us that hope keeps us moving forward, providing strength during difficult times.
However, hope can become poisonous when entangled with narcissistic abuse. Rooted in reality, hope is indeed beautiful. It’s the belief that your future is bright, that things will improve, and that you’ll be okay—maybe even better than okay. Hope brings a sense of peace, joy, and excitement. For some, this hope connects with your spirituality, while others feel it as a vibration in their body or simply a sense of knowing that doesn’t need words.
Breaking Free from Illusions
The hope that keeps people like Jessica trapped in this abusive relationship is far from this kind of hope. Instead, it’s a distorted illusion of hope that wishes your life wasn’t your life. Clinging on to a fantasy of what you wished your life would be, wishing life was different, wishing that this life was not your actual life.
‘Maybe he will see that I’m the one for him. Maybe he will choose me and our family. Maybe he will change his mind. Maybee he will understand the pain he’s caused. And just maybe he will somehow make it right”.
By holding on to this hope, Jessica subconsciously refused to accept that this was her life. Caught in a distorted reality, she clung to the false hope that her husband wasn’t the person she wished he would be. Yet, in truth, he was exactly the person she saw—the unkind, manipulative man who twisted her reality. The evidence was clear; any glimpse of something different was just that—a fleeting glimpse.
Finding Strength in a New Kind of Hope
Jessica’s refusal to acknowledge her ex’s true nature caused unimaginable pain and kept her trapped in a cycle of believing he would change and care about her feelings. She continued hoping he would somehow see how much he had hurt her and change his ways.
In reality, Jessica’s hope wasn’t rooted in the possibility of a better future. Instead, it stemmed from the fear of letting go and facing the reality that the man she loved never truly existed. This kind of hope keeps people like Jessica spinning, waiting for the love and approval of people with these narcissistic personalities—yet they just continue to poison your self-worth.
The Path to Healing
Jessica’s healing journey began when she recognized this hope for what it was—a toxin preventing her from moving forward. Though it wasn’t easy and required hard work, Jessica eventually found the strength to let go of that false hope. She embraced a new kind of hope—the hope for her own future, her happiness, and her peace. This is the kind of hope that heals, empowers, and ultimately sets you free.
About the Author
Bonnie Duarte is a dedicated Therapeutic Divorce Coach and Author, specializing in guiding individuals through the complex and often emotionally charged process of divorce. With a profound understanding of the challenges that come with high-conflict separations, Bonnie combines her expertise in therapeutic divorce coaching with a compassionate, client-centred approach. Drawing on her extensive experience and training in narcissistic abuse and trauma-informed therapy, she empowers her clients to navigate their divorce journey with resilience and clarity. Learn more about Bonnie and the services she provides here.